A few moths ago I had a startling interaction that caused me to pause and reflect on this. A great, well meaning friend said something along these lines, "You thought you had it rough loosing your babies, just imagine being in her shoes.....". I smiled and nodded my head, but inside I was crushed. Without going into specifics, the other woman unquestionably has some great difficulties ahead of her, but she didn't have to burry any of her children. How could the 2 circumstances possibly be compared? After the friend left, my husband immediately hugged me as apologized for the insensitive comment. While I completely understood what my friend was trying to say, it didn't lesson my hurt.
Speaking for myself, when other's have heard about my losses there have been many comments of comparison. "I know your struggling, but I have a friend who lost 8 babies!" "It's so hard for you, but just imagine how much harder it was for my aunt who lost 2 full term babies." "At least you were able to have children. My sister was never even able to get pregnant." Or even worse, comparisons that have NOTHING to do with my type of loss. "That's so hard, a few years ago we lost everything in a house fire." WHAT!? I typically understand what these people are trying to say and their intention, but it still stings.
So, why do people compare? In my opinion people are trying to lessen the pain for you. They think if they tell you about someone or something else more difficult, you will be grateful your difficulties are not that bad and in turn your burden will be lightened. The sad thing is, when we do this it blinds us to the person's struggling. We might feel more comfortable minimizing someone's pain for ourselves, but it communicates to that individual their pain is not valid, not important and not worth it. In turn, the person feels invalid, not important, and not worth it.
Comparison is not limited to "outsiders" of the pain. There is often lost of comparison between people in similar difficulties. Those who had ugly divorces compare who's divorce was worse...who has the most difficult child...who's story of infertility is more grueling...who has the worst illness...which grieving mother is most deserving of her pain... The truth is, we are ALL hurting, ALL need support, ALL need love and compassion.
It can be tricky to navigate between sharing and comparing. In many ways, sharing our stories with each other can help us understand, and bond. Sharing helps us see from their point of view, feel commonality and lead us to compassion. I often find myself sharing when a person opens up about their difficulties with the hope that it will validate the person and help us connect. I am so very grateful for the many people who have shared their stories with me. I have found comfort knowing I'm not crazy or alone in my feelings. I have also learned so much wisdom from others as they share their story. Sharing is wonderful and often leaves each person feeling a little better. Comparing on the other hand, has a clear winner and looser.
While I am far from perfect at sharing, and I could be accused of comparing at times, I feel the key is the intent of our heart and the love we express. Are you sharing to let the other person know you hear and validate their pain, or is it an opportunity for you to talk about yourself? Are you sharing to connect and bond, one-upping them? Are you sharing and thinking, "What do they need to hear? What will help them?" or are you thinking "My story is SO much better than theirs"?
We also need to be mindful of the silent comparisons we have in our own mind. When we compare our struggles with others, we only see one side of the story, our own. Don't compare your raw, real pain to someone else's pain filtered through Instagram. We don't know the silent pleadings of their hearts, we don't see the quiet tears. On the flip side, don't assume someone else's pain is so much worse that yours. We all feel and experience this life as unique individuals. Your pain is yours. Another person can feel and experience similar situations in a very different way. You can't measure your progress on someone else's ruler.
I've had an amazing friend for almost 17 years (wow! is that right?!). When we met we were both newly weds with lots of optimism ahead of us, never thinking loosing babies would be part of our story. Sadly, we have both known the loss of children. After one of my losses, I opened up to her. I started by saying, "I know my pain is not as hard as yours..." She immediately stopped me, and I have reflected on her words so many times. She said, "Our pain is not greater or lesser, just different....At the end of the day, we are both mother's who lost their babies." In that small moment she validated my pain, comforted me, and helped me realize it was okay for me to hurt. I didn't have to apologize for my pain just because she had pain too. We were in this together.
Her words echo often. We're all just people who fall, hurt and grieve. No one is better or worse, greater or lesser, valid or invalid, just different. I hope I can remember, we're all just people looking to be loved.
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