A miracle for a moment

It was about 8:30 pm on a Thursday night.  I decided to take a pregnancy test.  It seemed silly, the doctors had made it clear I couldn't get pregnant, but I needed to rule it out.  Nausea, fatigue and a slew of other symptoms were too strong to deny.  Quickly the test showed a positive sign.  I stood there in total shock.  My hands shook, "What does this even mean?".  Kent was at the church watching D in a church ball game.  I told the other two kids to go to bed and raced to the church (as if speed would somehow change something).  He could see the shock on my face immediately.  He chucked in joy, then the fear washed over him too.

If my womb was scarred  closed, how could a baby be there? Was this dangerous for both baby and me? HOW?! We spent a nervous weekend full of blood work and phone calls.  It looked like we were expecting a baby, but we were still apprehensive.  Finally on the following Tuesday, we sat at the Dr's office.  My heart was racing. They did the ultra sound and there it was, a perfect, healthy baby.  The beautiful heartbeat brought me to tears.  I NEVER thought I would her that steady gentle whooshing sound.

In disbelief, the Doctor told us everything looked good.  There weren't any signs of scarring, the baby was in a good place, everything looked perfect.  Kent, in disbelief, asked How? Our doctor looked at us and said, "I know someone who can open any womb. Let's call this what it is. This is a miracle."

A MIRACLE! I couldn't believe it!  I felt like I floated out of the office.  The smile didn't leave my face for hours.  I couldn't believe we got to have a miracle.  In the deepest corners of my heart, I dreamed of a baby, but it seemed inappropriate to ask.  I knew the Lord could do anything, but that would be asking too much.  But, he knew me, and he choose to give me a miracle.

I looked at the grainy little ulta-sound picture with wonder.  I pondered the lives of the other women with miracle babies.  "...Is this how Elizabeth, Hannah and Sarah felt?  ...Did they experience this same excitement at their realization? ...I am no where near worthy or faithful as they were,...WOW!"

The next few weeks were filled with excitement and anxiety.  Family and close friends were just as shocked and thrilled with our news.  Everyone thought it was a miracle.  I continued to experience all the not so lovely side effects of pregnancy, but they were almost a joy this time.  Nobody likes to throw-up, but all the nausea confirmed this little miracle even more.  Even though I was thrilled beyond belief, fears from our past failed pregnancies crept into my mind.  Joy and anxiety were my constant companions.

Kent and I sat with anxious anticipation at our next Dr's appointment.  The nurse gave me a few instructions and left.  Kent looked at me and said, "In a few minutes we will see our little miracle and you will realize all this worry is for nothing." I mumbled something like, "I sure hope you're right" thinking the whole time he was right and this was silly.  The Dr came in and discussed usually pregnancy stuff.  Then it was time to see our little miracle.  I asked Kent to come hold my hand.  The Doctor put the ultra-sound device on my belly and I saw it immediately.  STILLNESS.

There was no movement, no sound, no flutter.  There it was, the haunting stillness of a baby gone too soon.  I stared in disbelief.  "Come on baby, please don't leave me....show us something..." Nothing. Finally the Doctor broke his silence.  The baby was gone.

I tried to be strong, but I couldn't.  I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  It hurt so much.  The pain was overwhelming.  "How could this happen?! It was supposed to be a miracle!...I can't do this again...I was finally at peace with the family we have and now THIS?!...Is this a joke?! WHY!" Anger and bitterness soon became my companion.

We came home and had to tell the kids.  D tried to be strong and busy.  K cried and was quiet and withdrawn. H, oh little H, he broke my heart.  He was so excited about the baby.  The news crushed him.  He sobbed and sobbed.  Then he left the room, and came back angry.  He yelled a few things that probably sounded better in his mind, but didn't make sense, and then sobbed some more.  I was angry again, how could this happen to my kids.  Over the next few days I spewed my angry venom everywhere.

I was angry at the senselessness of it all.  I had to go through the unpleasantness of pregnancy, but I have nothing to show for it.  The nausea, fatigue, heart-burn and even labor were fruitless.  For days I sat having contractions for nothing, in the end I would deliver a dead baby and my arms would still be empty.  I was so mad that God had taken the miracle from me and then left me alone.  I could not feel his love or hand in my life.  I was bitter.  All of my heartache and pain was because I was trying to obey his prompting.  Three years ago we felt very prompted to have another baby and now here we are with 2 more dead babies, a broken uterus, my RA out of control and a shattered heat to show for it.   It was all so senseless.  I looked at my family and knowing that the number of babies I never got to hold outnumbered those I could kiss goodnight and it killed me.  Why wasn't my sacrifice enough?  Why wasn't he here for me?  Kent tried to remind me I couldn't feel the spirit while I was consumed with anger.  I answered him with more anger.

Amazing women came to my need.  My incredible mom came running.  She took care of me physically and emotionally and took care of the daily routine of our house.  My neighbors and friends brought in meals, flowers and hugs.  I spewed my bitter poison on all of them.  In the very moment I sunk into anger and self-loathing there was a knock at the door, a txt msg, a phone call.  In my selfishness, it was almost annoying to me.  "I just want to feel angry and people keep coming to tell me they love me." (How ridiculous is that?)  To their credit, they all took it.  They all sat, listened, hugged me, and cried.  Not one of them openly judged me or told me I was wrong.  They just cried, and changed my entire world.

I was incapable of feeling the love of the Savior because of the bitterness of my heart.  However, he still knew me and knew my needs.  That is when my army of angels came into action.  These women put their own lives on hold to come and care for me.  They were prompted and obeyed.  They became the Savior's hands helping to lift me.  They saved me from myself.  I felt their love.  Their love was tangible and undeniable,  and it was through their love that I realized God was there too.

One quite night, a few nights ago, I decided to put the bitterness away.  The house was quiet.  Everyone was asleep.  I sat, almost afraid to pray.  "Would he even listen after the ugly things I said and thought?".  I prayed a very short prayer.  Then I read a few scriptures.  The thought came to me to read and ponder a few select scriptures everyday.  I made a list.  The scriptures were all about faith, prayer, and most of all God's love.  The list got pretty long. Finally, I humbled myself to pray again.  This time I poured my heart out, not in ager but with a broken heart.  I prayed not to know why, but what he would have me do.  I tried to be grateful for the miracle, even if it wasn't the miracle I thought it would be.  I cried, I cried until there were no more tears.  I sat in the stillness and felt, okay.  It wasn't overwhelming peaceful and warm, but it was okay and I hadn't felt okay in a long time.  I went to sleep feeling okay.  I decided I would keep my scripture study plan no matter what. Even if it took time to feel God's love again, I would keep trying.

I woke up suddenly in the early hours of the morning.  I noticed the sunlight was just breaking outside.  Then it hit me.  LOVE.  My heart was at peace.  The quite light of the early morning seemed to be mirrored in the quite building light in my heart.  I sat in the stillness for a while, and stories came into my mind with new emphasis.  I remembered it was the Lord who commanded Nephi to build a boat.  His brother's then tied him to that boat and tried to kill him, but Nephi remained obedient.  The Lord told Samuel to teach the people about the coming of Jesus, they tried to kill him.  Abinadi was commanded to teach the people of King Noah many times, and each time they tried to kill him (and eventually they succeeded), he was obediant.  Hannah had her miracle baby and gave her precious son to the same priest who had treated her so badly, the same priest who's own sons were evil men, but she was obedient.  The Lord asked Mary to be the mother to the Son of God.  She saw him, the perfect son, hated and scorned.  She new of his love and watched as they hung him on a cross.  She saw her perfect, obedient and all loving son die, but she was still obedient.  There were many, many more.  While I had given my all to two more babies that never breathed life, my sacrifice was still nothing compared with the sacrifice of so many, and they remained obedient.

I prayed again, in gratitude this time.  I prayed again to know his will and the courage to follow, to be obedient. I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed for peace in my heart and the hearts of my family.  With that plea I knew what I needed to do next. I woke Kent.  I told him everything, and apologized for my anger.  He held me and we cried.

I am no where near done mourning the loss of our miracle.  My heart still aches for what might have been.  I feel hollow inside.  While I never felt the baby move, the spark of life growing inside me was unmistakeable, now it is gone.  I don't know what the future holds for our family.  I don't know if we will ever hold a baby of our own again. There are dark nights still ahead.  But this time I will try to remember the words of a favorite hymn and pray, "Oh Savior, stay this night with me." I pray I will remember to seek his guidance and not lean on my own understanding.  I pray to remember that His ways are higher than my ways.  I pray to know and recognize his encircling arms around me.   I pray to know that He IS. I pray to know that God is LOVE.