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What's your sign?

Awhile ago, a dear friend of mine posted a link to a website. (I tried to find that site, but no luck). There was a post where the lady talked about the invisible signs we all carry. The quite, yet life altering realities that we usually hide behind. Now, it was awhile ago, and I don't have a perfect memory (so forgive me if I get the details wrong Mrs. M), but this lady was living with the pain of a husband who suffered a traumatic brain injury. From the outside, life was normal, but on the inside everything had changed.

This really got me thinking. I remembered going shopping with another friend, not long after the loss of her son. She said she wished she could wear a sign that said, "Please be extra nice to me, I just lost my baby." I understood, so many times we wish people could understand where we are coming from (and why we might be easily aggravated, or burst into tears, or even laugh too much), but we don't wear signs around, and people usually don't understand.

So, moment of truth here is my sign:
My life has dramatically changed the past year. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis a few months after the birth of my son. The diagnosis had immediate consequences. I could not nurse my baby anymore (something that I actually did enjoy), I had to start medications that not only made me sick but also weakened my immune system and made me susceptible to EVERYTHING. But, more than that, I realized I was now going to live with chronic pain.

I was so naive before, I didn't understand the toll a diagnosis like that would take. I know that this is NOT a horrible, devastating problem. Many of you dear friends have and are dealing with problems much bigger than mine. But, this is the sign I carry.

I feel guilt, lots of guilt. I want to get down and play with the kids, but it just hurts. I want to get up and get going, but some mornings it is not going to happen. I feel horrible when I get angry for such small offenses, but my fuse is so much shorter now (not that I was super patient before). The pain is my constant companion. It is there when I wake up, and there when I go to bed. And it is taking its toll on me. I am not the mother, wife friend, neighbor ..etc, I want to be. I can't do things like I used to. I am too young to be living in a body that feels this old.

Please don't mistake this for whining, that is not my intention. Just to open myself to the idea. If I am carrying around this sign, what are other people dealing with? Do my kids carry a sign that reads, "My mom used to be fun, now she is cranky and that makes me do weird things."? What signs do my friends and neighbors carry? What about that rude clerk at the grocery store, what does her sign say? I am trying, they probably are too.

Long post but here's the point: I will try to be more understanding of myself and others.

So, what's your sign?

Comments

HRHNeenerita said…
Oh, my dear Mariam you are so precious and you do have a big sign to carry, I understand somewhat because of the signs I carry. The chronic pain is a BIG thing to have to live with. Your mom described you a righteous mother in Zion, your GOOD mommy signs over shadow the negative signs, that you are aware of the signs makes you way ahead of the majority of people. It will make you more compassionate of others who deal with the chronic pain. I know it has me.
January 11, 2011 at 12:36 AM
Anonymous said…
Believe me my dear even in your worst moments you put me to shame as a mother! ;) You are a great mother and I am sure even though the rest of the world doesn't see your sign, your kids sure do! A long time ago I went through a life training course of sorts and one of the key things I got from it was that 99% of peoples intentions are good, EVEN if they do not act great in the moment (to my eyes) and so we need to go through life looking more at intentions rather then actions and following the old adage of treating others in the manner we would like to be treated. This is another wonderful thing, to look at what sign the person may be carrying. Thank you for that one. I will remember it and endeavor to use it (though I am sure I will fail at times!).
January 12, 2011 at 9:16 PM
Cassie and Mark said…
Thank you so much for sharing this post. It has reminded me to be more understanding. You are amazing!
January 15, 2011 at 5:45 PM
Christine said…
Well said, Miriam. I remember thinking the same thing at times. "I wish everyone just knew about _____. I'm sure they'd act differently" I think it's wise to keep in mind that we're all dealing with our own things and it's never a bad thing to be gentle with others.

I really wish you didn't have to deal with all this RA stuff. I can't imagine the toll it takes to just get through. I'm sorry! I hope you're able to find a balance that works for you. In the meantime, I'll be praying for you!

Oh, and it's never a bad thing to be gentle on yourself either ;)
January 19, 2011 at 11:37 PM
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